Top 7 Characters that SHOULDNT be in Super Smash Bros.
Super Smash Bros. rosters are kind of a challenging subject to discuss for a few reasons. Firstly, they have a tendency to be very large and inclusive. Over the course of this multi-generation series, we’ve seen combatants grow in number from 12 to 37. Of that 37, a few Nintendo characters were not very well known and even a few non-Nintendo characters were thrown in for good measure. We’ve seen this phenomenon of featuring unexpected combatants in the past with Fire Emblem’s Marth and Konami’s Solid Snake, and have already been privy to it again with Capcom’s Mega Man and the Trainer from Wii Fit (seriously, who is dying to play as this grey jerk?). Another reason why writing about potential rosters can be problematic is one of opinion-based commentary. The characters I may see as completely ill-fitting for this franchise you may actually like. Understand that these aren’t personal slights at the quality of the characters or their games, unless otherwise stated, and that you are welcome to disagree and provide your own list in the comments section.
The Whale from the Endless Ocean series
For the uninitiated, the Endless Ocean series is all about underwater exploration, photography, and the mythology that surrounds animals like whales and sharks. Created by second-party developer Arika and published by Nintendo, the franchise has had a few Wii-exclusive entries featuring co-op dives and the discovery of sunken treasure. While the games are very serine in setting, most play these titles to hang out with the penguins, whale sharks, manta rays, and schools of fish. All of these are true to their real life counterparts, but none are as awesome as the sperm whales. These goliaths come out of nowhere just to hang out with you in all their gigantic awesomeness. Naturally, there are some problems to them being Smash Bros. character — the first being a distinct lack of water. Most whales die without being completely immerged in H2O. This represents an unfair advantage to other combatants.
Anyone from The Wonderful 101
The Wonderful 101 is a totally rad game and if you haven’t already tried it, you probably should. With that being said, none of the characters featured in this title really make sense in Nintendo’s next brawler. The Wonderful 101’s gameplay is dependent on the player controlling a horde of superheroes from an isometric viewpoint and using “Unite Morphs” to take on GEATHJERK invaders. In order to do a Unite Morph, the player must explore each stage, find helpless citizens, and recruit these individuals into the Wonderful 101 army of heroes. It’s a cool concept, but it means that no Wonderful 101 hero is greater than the sum of its parts. For example, Wonderful Red, Wonderful Blue, Wonderful Green, Wonderful Pink, Wonderful Yellow, Wonderful White, and Wonderful Black may be prominently featured in-game (in a way similar to that of Power Rangers), but they are each no more powerful than the group they belong to. The only way their characters would fit into Smash Bros. would be as a group, and that would be an unfair advantage.
Booster from Super Mario RPG
There has been some confusion over who owns the original characters in this Squaresoft Super NES classic, but it should be noted that Geno has been able to appear in other Nintendo titles (Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, for example) in spite of a registered trademark with Square Enix Co., Ltd. Clearly, all that is required is permission on Square’s part to make a Booster cameo in Smash Bros. a reality. However, that should never happen. As much as I love the snorty, snortyness of Booster and his minions in Super Mario RPG, it’s really hard to gauge whether he can even fight. When we meet him, he is just the eccentric owner of a really weird tower and never actually confronts Mario’s party. Furthermore, it is indicated on the posters of his wall that Wario may be an ancestor of his and he even shares a wind-up throw move with Mario’s yellow doppelganger. To put this odd duck into the Smash Bros. roster would actually take some character away from Wario — something I won’t stand for. Wah ha ha!
The Devil from the Brain Age Series
The popularity of the Brain Age games is undeniable. In fact, as far as personal improvement video games go, they rival that of Wii Fit (be warned, Wii Fit Trainer). As far as matching, sequence, algorithm, and mental quickness training programs go, the series has always been top tier. That said, Concentration Training’s prominently featured version of Dr. Kawashima’s disembodied head is the stuff of nightmares. Nothing in any handheld title is quite as uncomfortable as trying to do metal math while the Devil cracks a whip in front of you. Devilish Training, the program in which Kawashima DNA Digivolves with the lord and master of Hell, is the centerpiece of Concentration Training and features a group of eight new exercises targeted at increasing your focus — something that is downright impossible as Devil Kawashima cackles in the background. I honestly don’t care to think about how Devil Kawashima would fight in a Smash Bros. title, but just looking at him scares me sh**less, so I hope he doesn’t rear his ugly face in the final release.
A Custom Robo from The Custom Robo Series
Fanboys and Japanophiles everywhere will hate me for saying this, but Custom Robo has no place in the next Smash Bros. release. That’s not to say that The Custom Robo series or its Robos are bad Nintendo characters. In fact, I actually really dig the fighting mechanics and customizations in the few releases Nintendo of America has actually let me play. However, the whole concept of Custom Robo is in the title: your robotic fighters need to be completely customizable. When I say “customizable” I don’t mean that there needs to be funny hats or pallet swaps (see: Tekken Tag for the Wii U), but that your Robo’s weapons, armor, and limbs themselves can be replaced to better suit an upcoming battle. This feature would never be implemented in a Smash Bros. game, as it would unbalance matches in favor or against your Robo’s current settings. It would either be a massive advantage or huge detriment in tournament mode and multiplayer battles.
The Composer Miis in Wii Music
Did anyone else play Wii Music? It’s a fate I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Wii Music may be the single worst designed game to ever come out of Nintendo first-party development. It certainly is the worst game to be produced by Shigeru Miyamoto. This free form music title focused on the creation of arrangements of existing songs through the use of the Wii Remote and Nunchuk. Unlike Rock Band and Guitar Hero, Wii Music didn’t score players on performance — instead encouraging experimentation. Also unlike Rock Band and Guitar Hero, Wii Music wasn’t fun. The game’s controls were tied to a series of gimmicky and boring gestures, whereas the music sounded poor and lacked diversity. I can honestly say that it was a bigger waste of my time than Aquaman for the GameCube or Leisure Suit Larry for the Xbox. The only feature that this poorly conceived music game had going for it was the tiny composer Mii who loved the crap out of playing lame instruments. That little guy would get the crap beat out of him in a fight, though.
John Raimi from Geist
I know what you’re probably thinking: “Who the hell is John Raimi and what is Geist?” Developed by n-Space and published by Nintendo, Geist is a first-person action title and the second GameCube game to be released with an M-rating (the first being Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem). You’ve likely seen the box in the bargain bin of your local GameStop for less than $5. The game stars John Raimi, who is a scientist on a counter-terrorism team sent to investigate a shady corporation. After an undercover operation gone wrong, Raimi is badly wounded and his soul is torn from his body (making him the titular Geist, which is another term for ghost). Raimi can now possess humans, animals, and objects in order to… do something. I dunno, the plot is pretty vague and convoluted. All you need to know is that Geist gives Wii Music competition for the worst game Nintendo’s ever produced. Easily one of the worst horror games I’ve ever played, Geist fails as a shooter and lacks the polish and story to pull of being a decent action-adventure title. While Raimi’s ghost possession abilities would be *interesting* in Smash Bros., he can’t actually lay a punch without possessing something and his character is too bland to really care about.
To close, I’d like to dedicate this article to Nintendo’s Hiroshi Yamauchi who died today at the age of 85. Without this man, Nintendo wouldn’t have a video game division and our industry may not have survived the great video game crash of 1983. We owe a lot to his memory, and I’d advise everyone to play a Nintendo console tonight in honor of his legacy.