25 Days of Christmas: Elixir Mixer: Candy Cane

Welcome dear adventurer.  Off to reign in the sadistic Santa Claws for the one day of the year he forgoes eating credulous children who perch their posterior on his loathsome lap and instead circumnavigates the earth spreading Christmas cheer and goodwill towards men?  Then of course you know you’ll need to pacify his passion for plump pubescent people with saccharine snacks of the sweetest sort with the cardinal classic

Candy Cane

At the onset you’ll set out to Easter Island.  Deep within the biggest bodiless belfry of the monolithic moai hibernates a hairless hare composed of creamy chocolate.  Fulfill fellatio to collect its Creme de Cacao.

Bum that Bunny Butt.

Bug off to the nearby bog and swim under the swamp to the subterranean shelter of the slumbering savage.  Gouge the gargantuan gut of the great Grendel to gain the gushing Grenadine and milk his mother for her coagulated Cream.

Milk those Mammeries.

Proceed to the polar province and pulverize a penguin for its pulpy Peppermint Schnapps.

Pissed Off Pissed Penguins

Steal some 7-Up.

Or Sprite

Fill a highball glass with ice and add 3/4 oz of both liquers and 1/4 oz grenadine. Stir, then fill with cream. Top with 7-up and garnish with a candy cane.  Poor it down Santa’s pie hole and go watch It’s a Wonderful Life or something.

Ho Ho Highball

Fucking alliteration.

Review Bot 3000

A surly tavern patron who guides young adventurers on foolhearty missions in order to acquire strange ingredients for powerful potions. He also plays a mean sax.

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