Movie Review: We Wish You a Turtles Christmas!
Review by Sean
Ah Christmas, that time of year where stations play the same 10 songs on loop for 2 months and everything has its own special. When you think Christmas specials you think musicals, right? And when you think musical Christmas specials you think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…right? If you answered yes then you were either involved with it or have seen it, and for that I’m sorry. For everyone else, it’s “We Wish You A Turtles Christmas!”
Based on the success of three live-action films, and even a live Coming Out Of Their Shells concert tour, comes this roughly 20 minute direct-to-video special that based on appearance had a $500 budget. It’s got all of your favorite Turtles in incredibly cheap costumes, Splinter who is more fuzzball than rat, and a few kids who probably regret ever being involved with the video with no explanation of who they are or why they’re always with the Turtles.
If you don’t know who the Turtles are then they sing an intro at the beginning that says they’re the Turtles and they like to sing and fight and other ninja turtle things.
If you made it past that, you’re then greeted with their version of Deck the Halls “with pepperoni” to a Jamaican beat because why not. After, they realize they don’t have a present for Splinter (where everyone but Donatello has a thick imitation of a NYC accent) so they decide to break into more songs! “Up from the sewer and into the street to buy a gift we go!”
Once they reach the surface, the brothers have an in-depth conversation about what to get Splinter and…nah it’s another song “gotta get a gift gotta get a gift gotta get a gift for Splinter!” Note we’re on the 4th song! A kart, a bowling ball, and ear muffs are some of their suggestions. Random street kids are playing backup and join the Turtles for the rest of the special for no apparent reason.
Now they’ve reach Times Square where Michelangelo decides this is the best time to break into opera. I gotta get I gotta get I gotta get to the end of this special quick.
After looking at yo-yo’s, ties, and pizza they decide to hail a cab to go back down to the sewer where they proceed to rap about wrapping gifts. “Wrap Rap” if you will. They’re sure to remind you that they are still Ninja Turtles just in case you thought they were GI Joes or Transformers or anything else.
The Turtles kidnapped the kids when they went back to the sewer and now comes the highlight of this special: 12 Days of Christmas. I know you’re curious what they gave Splinter:
12 April O’Neil autographs
11 pairs of sneakers
10 yellow yo-yos
9 narrow neck ties
7 silk kimonos
5 video games
4 manhole covers
2 comic books
and a pizza with pepperoni.
How thoughtful. Splinter stops caring at this point when he forgets almost the whole song at the end and just hums along. I’ve stopped caring long ago.
Leonardo: “It’s only like the longest song ever!” He speaks for us all now. The video is becoming self-aware.
Splinter, who looks like a fuzzball that just came out of the shower and not a rat, thanks the Turtles for being generous and now the kids and Turtles start singing “We Wish You A Turtles Christmas!” and sing about pizza again. “We wish you a turtles Christmas and a turtlely awesome new year!” That..that doesn’t even make sense. But with that it’s song and not even seven minutes into it…mercifully over and OH NO THE SONG IS PLAYING AGAIN OVER THE CREDITS!
And now the Turtles are talking to each other about all their favorite songs they just sung in this special and how totally awesome they are because turtles!
Donatello’s watch is a hot seller apparently and one of them (I stopped keeping track of whose voice is whom) is complaining about the time being stopped on his watch. Time actually stood still during this special. It didn’t feel that way though, it felt like I wasted roughly 20 minutes of my life.
Now I wasted a few minutes of your time but it was worth it for this public service announcement: STAY FAR AWAY FROM THIS! IT’S ONE OF THE WORST CHRISTMAS SPECIALS EVER! Just to give you an idea of the drop-off in viewers on YouTube: part 1 has 107K views, part 2 has 30K views, and part 3 has 20K views. I secretly suspect Michael Bay was somehow involved with this special.