Special Service: Coming Out Canadian
I think you are going to want to sit down for this one. Some issues in life are just too serious not to deal with, and as much as you try and hide it from your friends, families and loved ones, there’s just no avoiding it. It may be a random “eh” at the end of your sentence or you accidentally let slip an “aboot” but sooner or later someone will discover that you are in fact a Canadian!
You can stop crying now while it may seem like your life is over (and let’s face facts it probably is), but before you go and do something dangerous you may want to sit your loved ones down and explain to them it wasn’t a choice!
But before you do that, let’s go over a checklist to confirm you are indeed a Canadian.
- You use “eh” and “aboot” freely in conversation. This one is a no-brain really. Chances are if you use either one of those, you are 99% Canadian.
- You don’t know what the ground looks like. I don’t mean you’ve never seen a ground in pictures or on TV, but that you’ve never seen your own neighborhood not covered in snow.
- Hockey. If you know what it is, there’s a 50% chance you are Canadian. If you watch it, well you might as well pour maple syrup on yourself now.
- Your police squad is actually a bunch of mounties riding moose.
- You know any of the following: Two-Handed Zamboni, Two Girls, One Stanley Cup, Sloppy Dog Shed or Musty Goaltender.
- You call ham, “bacon”
- You have a great desire to Go to the Mall
By now you must be screaming to yourself,Â “OH MAH GAWD I’m a CANADIAN!!!!!!!!!” To be honest, it’s the only reaction that is acceptable (otherwise, you would have known you were a Canadian). So what do you do now?
The simplest solution would be to get completely wasted until you erase all memories of being a Canadian, but then you would be playing right into the hands of being a Canadian (yes, they can even ruin drinking for you!) so that’s out of the question.
You could try coming to America, but we can hardly support our own country at this point.
Perhaps, you need to return to the motherland, I’m sure “Great” Britain is always looking for a few new, unorthodox (even for them) citizens.
Really, and this is tough for us to say, Nerds on the Rocks does not have a solution for being Canadian yet. We have some of our top members working on it, but its been hundreds of years and no one has found a cure or a remedy yet so you can’t expect us to crack it in a month and a half.
But we will have you know, we are using all of our resources to fix this problem because not all the people are bad, they are just Canadians!
And Happy Canada Day!
(By the by, there’s a Canadian or two lurking these here sites so if you see one, we have a shoot on sight policy!)