The manly men responsible for Man Crates (crates filled with “bragworthy gifts for guys” that ship alongside a crowbar that you actually use to open the crate!) recently reached out to NotR requesting ideas for a “horror movie survival kit.” Given the sheer number of (mostly awful) horror movies I watch each and every October, there is no way I can turn down such a request. I give to you, ladies and gentlemen, a survival kit that should give you a fighting chance against a variety of horror film-inspired menaces.
…and seriously, how awesome is a gift crate that needs to be crowbarred open?
- A strong pair of scissors (to stave off ghost girls from The Grudge, The Ring, and every other Japanese horror film)
- Have you noticed an abundance of flowing black hair following you throughout your house lately? Did you happen to inadvertently spurn a shy Japanese girl with stalker tendencies before she tragically passed away? Whatever the case may be, a reliable pair of shears will protect you against any and all supernatural grudges by letting you easily cut away those ghastly tresses.
- “NoDoz” caffeine caplets (to help stay the hell away from dream demons such as Freddy Krueger)
- If you start having nightmares about fedora-wearing maniacs tormenting you with bladed gloves, you can bet that it’s only a matter of time before you die gruesomely in your sleep. Why not help extend your duration of time on this planet by taking a few doses of NoDoz? You can use that extra bit of waking life to set boobytraps throughout your house in preparation for your next encounter with the dream demon. Just be sure to set an alarm clock and bear hug that demon just as it goes off so you can pull it into the real world, where its inevitable demise awaits.
- Ratty-looking “mom” sweater with optional wig (to fool a dimwitted momma’s boy like Jason Vorhees)
- If there’s one thing I learned from watching plenty of “slasher” flicks, it’s that there is a pretty good chance that a masked killer has some serious mommy issues. Give yourself an edge by camouflaging yourself as mommy dearest so that you can buy yourself a few moments of precious time if trying to escape from a zombified serial killer who is overtaken by his inner demons. Male survivors might want to consider putting on a wig as well to elevate the simple-minded psychopath’s level of confusion. Prepare your best “scolding mom” voice and let that big dumb lug have it!
- A reliable encyclopedia (to research eldritch supernatural horrors, like those from The Evil Dead or Wishmaster)
- Whether you’re trapped in a log cabin and at the mercy of demon-possessed loved ones or merely trying to survive the return of Lovecraftian elder gods, you can bet that technology will be a non-factor when faced with otherworldly horrors. Arm yourself with a good old-fashioned tome of knowledge that you can study by candlelight so that you can learn the name and history of the unspeakable presence that may or may not be pounding on the other side of the locked door to the room you’re hiding in. Just… avoid the books bound in human flesh, will you?
- Pepper spray (for use against human villains such as Halloween’s Michael Meyers)
- Pepper spray – because even Michael Myers’ mask has eyeholes. And when was the last time you saw someone attempt to blast a killer’s face with pepper spray in a movie?
- Common sense (lacking in the characters from pretty much every horror film)
- Oh, sorry… you can’t put common sense in a crate, can you? Here’s hoping you’re smarter than the characters in most horror movies!
- And of course you would do well to include your standard selection of survival tools: knives, first aid kits, flashlights, etc. These incredibly useful tools generally aren’t used to stop the villain in a traditional horror film, but hey, 2013’s underappreciated You’re Next showed the value of tried-and-true survivalism.