What? Oh, it’s just– I’ve been sending young adventurers like yourself on quests for years now and– well, none of them remembered that today’s my birthday. Sure, plenty of them probably got eaten by swamp-rabbits or contracted a magically malignant STD from Madam Puswollump. Still…not one card? I may be tough as nails but my heart still aches. And not just from all those nails embedded in my chest. I know you’re probably in need of some potion or elixir, but today– today I need a drink. Could I trouble yea for a
Chocolate Cake Shooter?
First it’s off to the Orient. You’re going to need to track down the Buddha and cut off his hand. He seemed to be a pretty chill fellow last time we met. I don’t think he’ll mind. Then again that was during the Great Marijuana Massacre of Cheeto Hill. The sky was turned a bright orange and our fingers– it took months for them to return to their natural composition of dirt and lady juices. Anyway, cut off his hand and bring it back here. It should revert to a fingered citron and ferment by the time you return. Sure I could have just asked for a regular old citron. But hey, it’s my birthday. I’ll leave it at that. Huzzah, Absolut Citron Vodka.
Next it’s off to the Piedmont region of northern Italy. A hermit monk by the name of Frangelico resides there, living on nothing but hazelnuts. Legend has it, through deep meditation he actually morphed into a hazelnut tree himself. Even if it isn’t true, you’re still going to have to snatch his nuts, and grind them to a pulp. You now have Frangelico hazelnut liqueur. May god have mercy on your soul.
Lastly I’ll need a sugar-coated lemon wedge. I’ll leave this bit up to you. I challenge you to go about this task without horribly mutilating or killing someone. Harder than you might think.
Mix equal parts Absolut Citron and Frangelico in a shot glass. Give it here, allow me to drink it and follow it immediately by sucking on a sugar-coated lemon wedge. Happy Birthday to me. Now to find Madam Puswollump.