Welcome dear adventurer.  Off to reign in the sadistic Santa Claws for the one day of the year he forgoes eating credulous children who perch their posterior on his loathsome lap and instead circumnavigates the earth spreading Christmas cheer and goodwill towards men?  Then of course you know you’ll need to pacify his passion for …

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Welcome dear wizard in training.  I couldn’t help but notice you mulling over the polyjuice potion in your spell book as you brood over your brew.  And what is this anyway?  Butterbeer?  What are you 12?  Oh.  You are?  Well then, that potion is too advanced for a simple 2nd year student like yourself.  You’re …

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Oh uh.  Welcome dear adventurer.  I guess.  *sigh* What?  Oh, it’s just– I’ve been sending young adventurers like yourself on quests for years now and–  well, none of them remembered that today’s my birthday.  Sure, plenty of them probably got eaten by swamp-rabbits or contracted a magically malignant STD from Madam Puswollump.  Still…not one card?  …

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Welcome dear sorcerer. Down on your luck? In need of some gold? Whoa there. Put your robe back on! I was offering a more permanent solution. And by solution I mean potion and by potion I mean the one to turn base matter into gold. The Smurf Now before you go looking for the Smurf …

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Welcome dear adventur– Holy frog-licking mountain pigeons! What’s that there growing out of your shoulder nubbules?! Ohhh, it’s just your feeble little arms. You can’t except to fight any monsters with those flaccid spaghetti strains. I’ve flossed with thicker cyclopic pubic hair than those. Doubt you even have the strength of one nerd, let alone …

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Welcome dear adventurer. Off to fight the deadly hippopotamoose of Lubrication Hill are ye? The hell you aren’t with that flimsy splinter of metal you call a sword. Old Pottamoose would use it as a toothpick after devouring you, scanty tunic and all. (Seriously, could you cover up your man-bits a little better?) What you …

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Welcome dear adventurer, you’re looking worse for wear. All those random battles got you down? Only a couple hearts left? (Yah freak of nature.) Can’t be expected to defeat the next boss in that condition. What you need is a NERD COCKTAIL Now to create this elixir mixer, you’ll need to acquire three ingredients. The …

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