Watch out, World. Here comes your thighs, ass, lovehandles and fourth chin. It all started one greasy morning when one fat guy said to another “You know what would be great on top of this piece of chicken, and below another piece of chicken? Some bacon and cheese.” And someone looked him square in the eyes, with a serious look on his face and said, “I completely agree with you.” Now, I’m sure there were other things before this [Maybe such as a steak between two slices of pizza], but this abomination to food definitely needs to be brought to the attention of you – the nerds. I will give Deep Fried Mars Bar the credit they deserve, however. As far as shortening your life span goes, I think they did it first. But now we have the Denny’s Cheese Melt. The horrible combination that requires mozzarella sticks inside of a sandwich that is seemingly cemented together by an entire block of cheese which I can only imagine is bricked by the Keebler Elves.
What happened to us? Were we always this lazy, and amazed by a bunch of shitty food combined together? Did our mothers just blend lard with pork rinds when we were children? Why are we falling into this trap now? Are we just so far in our collective lifespans that we think “Ah, screw it” and will eat anything as long as it’s cheap, and big? If you went back home for a meal, would your mother say “You know, I thought of something different tonight – why don’t we stick this pot roast inside of this turkey and then baste it with caesar sauce.”
We as North Americans have specific dates to eat terrible foods. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. The combinations performed on these days are exempt from every day life, and this is a known fact. My main gripe stems with bringing terrible food [aside from fast food's normal terrible food] that is aimed at an “every day” type of life. Has there always been a terrible-for-us food option out there? Of course there has. They’ve always existed, but just as portions have slowly been getting larger – the food has been getting worse, and more affordable. Do we really want to live in a world where we eat an animal wrapped in another animal sandwiched between two other animals and sprinkled with animal by-products for 6 bucks? Well, apparently we do.
Maybe these companies are beginning to think they can sell whatever gross combinations of grease and meat they want – and we as consumers will buy it. Maybe some people will do it on a dare, or “just because”. But what about the small, spongy impressionable children who will eat worse, and worse combinations of food, remembering the ‘good old days’ where the doubledown was a reasonable meal.
Next time you go to buy bacon between chicken, or steak inside of pizza, or even chocolate doused in grease and put into hot oil, think “Is this how I was raised? Is this what I really want my children to put inside of their body and use as nutrients? Would I rather save 5 dollars than spend 10 minutes making a meal myself?”