[After creating and then testing the drinking rules, guest hosts Trent and Ryan recap their adventures with two of their least favorite movies, offering their thoughts on the quality of each film itself as well as how the drinking rules held up and whether they’re worth using.]
Twilight’s theatrical adaptation has now been covered twice on Nerds on the Rocks, likely because our staff is either into self-punishment or vampire porn. That said, the negative press that swirled around this blockbuster did generate a bit of interest in our participants. Would this teen drama turn out as terribly as they expected or would the be converted to twihards? See below!
Movie – 1
Trent – 1
Being the red-blooded male that I am, I never actually read any of the Twilight books. In fact, I was so vehemently against the culture of vampire-loving women that took over our society a couple years back that I had sworn to never see this movie or read the books. Alas, it would appear that all of my hopes have been dashed.
In terms of plot progression and characters, I would have to say that I just didn’t “get” Twilight. Is the romance this awkward and weird in the books? Do the characters really long for death as much as the seem to in the film? Why does this seem like its taking place in some alternate reality where everythings been put through a grey color filter? These questions and more likely won’t be asked by most dedicated viewers, as their tastes clearly differ from mine. I would venture to say that I am not this movie’s target demographic (its target demographic being people with poor taste, daddy issues, and a Disney Princess approach to dating).
The acting is alright for what it is, but the dialogue almost makes me yearn for the sweet embrace of death (as sparkly as that may be). The whole thing just feels really unbalanced and I don’t think the director really knew what type of movie she was making.
To be frank, I would have prefered the van just crushing Bella twenty minutes in and having the rest of the film be a dying dream.
Ryan – 1
Twilight is one of those series of films and books that has such a negative social stigma attached to it that if you even mention that you’ve read the books or watched the movies, you instantly get a bad reputation among your friends and will be mocked incessantly forever. Some series are wrongfully judged by the social perception of a work. Twilight… not so much. It really is as bad as most people make it out to be. Unfortunately for me, this series has caused some major collateral damage to fiction all around it. it’s cast a bad light onto vampires from all mythos and lore. This is a major personal disappointment to me as I grew up reading the tales of Dracula and assorted tales and legends.
The movie itself seems to be a stalker/serial killer’s wet dream. Sure, it’s got that sappy love story that many of us (including myself) enjoy from time to time. However Twilight takes The Police’s Every Breath You Take and makes that look like an innocent date with a childhood sweetheart in the 6th grade by comparison. Edward loves to stalk his prey– I mean, potential love interest to the ends of the city at all hours. In class together? Does nothing but stare at Bella. On the streets? Stalks Bella in his car. At night? Breaks into her house and watches her sleep. I will never understand how this love story makes any sense. I know girls like to go for the bad boys but this is just ridiculous!
Certain parts of the movie were actually okay. The soundtrack was enjoyable, and some of the characters actually have some depth, emotion, and are quite likeable. Like I said many times to Trent over the course of the film, “Screw ‘Team Edward’, and screw ‘Team Jacob’. I’m on ‘Team Alice’.”
Sadly, even the decent supporting cast couldn’t save this person from the agony of the atrocious acting of the two leads. I’m sure it’s not like the director actually cared… They could have put a picture of a giant turd on screen for two hours and it still would have been a hit with all of the pre-pubescent girls who would flock to see this film.
Actually, I think that would have been a better flick than Twilight turned out to be.
Drinking – 4
Trent – 4
This is a movie where drinking is an absolute necessity to survival. Thankfully, the suggested drinking rules definitely did the trick. Not five seconds into the film’s runtime, we had already downed a couple drinks due to Bella’s predisposition for biting her lips and touching her hair. It also helped that someone says her name pretty much every other minute (such is life when a film is based on a book written in the first-person perspective).
Edward also had a nasty habit of staring deep into Bella’s soul. The fucker just didn’t know how to politely glance at someone. It’s like every time they had to converse he would strip her down with his century-old eyes (does that technically make Edward a pedophile? I think so).
The one rule that failed to come up on a regular basis was in relation to Edward’s sparkling. I was legitimately waiting for it to happen every time he popped on-screen. Sadly, Washington is cloudy and when he does sparkle, for all of two times, it isn’t that impressive. In fact, it just looks like he got into his little sister’s glitter before a night of intense clubbing.
Ryan – 4
The drinking rules certainly did the job for getting us through this movie. Only minutes in and I was forced to pour myself a second drink thanks to Bella’s (Take a drink, I said her name!) nervous habit of biting her lip and the constant touching her hair like it was her fetish. The only rule that didn’t seem to get much screen time was when Edward (Take another drink peeps, I said his name too!) began to sparkle.
Honestly, I’m thankful for that one. He just looked like he was a Cirque du Soleil reject whenever he did glitter in the sun. Otherwise, tons of booze was to be had during the first half of our double feature. It certainly does make a good drinking game if you want to torture yourself… But personally, I’d much rather play Beerio Kart 64. You get drunk just as fast and and have way more fun.
Conclusion: A bad film that is made infinitely better with alcohol.
Silent Hill is seen by many as the best feature film adaptation of a video game, but to Trent it represents the death of a dream. The guys at Nerds on the Rocks knew how much watching this film would hurt him and were sadistic enough to force him into sitting through it. Thankfully, He and Ryan had already survived drinking hard liquor throughout Twilight. Let the fog roll in, bitches.
Movie – 1.5
Trent – 0
Derpty-doo; Surprise of all surprises – I don’t like this film.
Allow me to demonstrate why in bullet points:
- They attempt to provide motivation for going to Silent Hill. Cheryl/Harry didn’t go their on purpose in the game. Also, the town doesn’t have that much reach. It’s as if this film ignores its modus operandi.
Harry is now a woman.Harry is now a bitch. Christophe Gans decided that it didn’t make sense for a father figure to love his daughter so much, so he changed the main character’s sex. This wouldn’t be a huge deal if Sean Bean didn’t have to be shoved into the film by the studio as a strong male lead.
- Sean Bean’s scenes are unnecessary and remove the viewer from the sense of overwhelming isolation exuded by the town. It ruins the pacing of the film and the final cut would have benefited from getting rid of all of his pointless scenes.
- No one uses logic in this movie. To a point where you’re wondering how you’re supposed to be rooting for these people.
- Cybil Bennet dies for no goddamn reason and Lisa is tragically underused.
- They tried to make Dahlia Gillespie a sympathetic character. A SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER?!
- The dark cult from the games known as ‘the Order’ has been changed into a bunch of fundamentalist christian witchburners. THAT’S EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY WERE. WTF.
- Pyramid Head shows up for no reason (and because of this film he showed up again in Origins [as the Butcher] and in Homecoming [as the Boogeyman]).
- Dark Alessa makes no sense. Alessa was never a bad person. What is this bitch supposed to be? The Devil?
- All the monsters are lifted from Silent Hill 2 and don’t make sense in-context.
- I want to punch every supporting cast member in the face.
- This film has multiple universes. That’s not how Silent Hill works.
- There is now apparently an underground coal fire? WTF. When did Silent Hill become Centralia?
- “Mother is god in the eyes of a child.” Fuck you bitch, that line sucks.
- Seriously, why do we care about Sean Bean’s character?
I suppose I like the soundtrack (because all of the songs were lifted from previous entries in the series), but that’s about it outside of how the film looks. Also, screw you if you think a movie should be liked because it looks pretty. This film teabagged my favorite universe and it’s release actually had negative effects on the games themselves.
Ryan – 3
I’m not nearly as cynical as Trent on this one. I actually enjoy this film a decent amount, though he’s certainly right in that they get a ton of things wrong. Sean Bean’s scenes for the most part do ruin the movie’s pacing. It would have been far better if they leave most of his things out of the middle of the movie, and sent him to Silent Hill after all was said and done to add an extra sense of isolation and despair for the surviving girls. The plot of the movie was nearly completely rewritten, but I throw that to the time constraints of a movie and not wanting tons of exposition. The monsters of Silent Hill appearing in the movie? There really is no excuse for this except that the people who know nothing of Silent Hill are expecting to see a man with a steel pyramid on his face kill a lot of people. The director and writers of the Silent Hill film made Silent Hill as a Hollywood movie, not as a love letter to the fans. They kept the elements that they knew would make money and people unfamiliar with the series would enjoy (I.e., the soundtrack, the monsters that they thought looked the coolest, the excellent locations and sets) and didn’t bother with anything from the original story. They just decided to write their own script to try and appeal to the mass audience instead of staying faithful to the story of the games. I think this certainly works in some ways, but drops the ball on others. I enjoy the Silent Hill games (At least all the ones released on PS1/2), and I do like this film quite a bit. I just prefer to think of it as an alternate telling of a story or even it’s own separate tale rather than a straight retelling of the events of the first game. Not a bad movie overall.
Also, as a final note because it angers me so much …Cybil’s sacrifice was very much a pointless occurrence. The only reason it was even in there was because, to quote TV Tropes, “Vasquez Always Dies” in Hollywood. It was pointless, useless for the plot, and thrown in just to hold up to the average preconception of how the movie has to go.
Drinking – 3.75
Trent – 5
Thank fucking god for alcohol.
Ryan – 2.5
The drinking here wasn’t nearly as bad as Twilight. The only times where it really started to take full effect was during a scene with Alessa where the kids around her chant “Burn the Witch!” 10 times in a row, and in the beginning of the film where Rose frantically calls Sharon’s name. Otherwise, This movie wasn’t nearly as hard hitting as Twilight in the drinking category. In fact, I made my own impromptu rule just for fun. “In Soviet Russia, Sean Bean Kills You! – Everytime Sean Bean appears on screen, take 3 drinks.” It helped keep the buzz going, that’s for sure. Plus I love me some Sean Bean. It was nice to see a movie where he doesn’t wind up six feet under for once.
Conclusion: Silent Hill is a great horror movie for people who aren’t hardcore fans of the series. Otherwise, you will be sorely disappointed. It will take everything you know of the workings and history of Silent Hill and flat out ignore them. Trent uses alcohol to cope with his Silent Hill woes. I suggest you do the same.